A dear friend asked me a question about my decision to return to work full-time rather than continue staying home with my kids and consulting. (I still teach yoga 🙂 She asked me if I regret it. She asked about mom-guilt. She asked if I’m glad. Here is what I wrote:
It’s a tough decision. It’s a tough question to answer because, for me, it’s so subjective based on how my day went, how my kids are, how much sleep I’ve had, did I work out, etc. Some days I really enjoy it. But, more than once I’ve thought “you don’t tell me what to do, I’m mama. I’m right. I can quit. Hmm… maybe I should quit and go to the zoo….” But I haven’t quit yet.
I made the promise to myself to give it 3 months before even thinking about it, 6 months before any decision will be made, and really, I told myself I need to do it for a year because otherwise it’s not worth it on a resume and won’t qualify me for other jobs later. I do have guilt about not being mom all the time, not doing incredible outings, making amazing dinners or fun crafts. But, my personal side of needing to be more than mom was becoming louder and louder. I felt impatient. I felt underutilized. As a person, I wanted to work. As a mom, I wanted to be home.
Today I completed three major projects, a website overhaul and a plan to roll out our next big product. Tonight was delivery Chinese food and stories at the dining room table. Then we went for a big walk and played at the park. And then the next hour is bath, books, pjs, diapers, and bedtime. Finally I get to change out of my work clothes, shower, sit down with a glass of wine and write to you.
It’s an intense routine. I don’t know if I will do this indefinitely. Right now, I’m going to stick with it. I like the salary and to feel like a professional again. I am happy tomorrow is Friday and I have two days with my kids. For me, the position I accepted was a fluke of right timing, right qualifications and right position. So I may work a year, maybe three, maybe I just keep working. Who knows? I know I’m going to work tomorrow.